Brutality of the Goddess

February has arrived.  the infamous month linked to valentines, love, cupid, and everything that screams coupledom.  for a stark minority, the month is somewhat interchangeable with april fools.  for some, february is the new november.  go figure.

however, for those who are attached to a special someone, a better (or bitter) half, a novio, a paloma mia, a cariño, or cherie amour, or whatever else you call it, february 14 may be a day not out of the ordinary.

for those who just recently go attached or who are flooded with invitations for dinner dates and the like, here is a semi-comprehensive guide on the kinds of dates there.  actually, there aren’t too many.  and since we shall do this in the philippine context (traditional, conservative, blah blah blah…) let the date be a guy and the datee, siempre, a girl (unless some of you are opposed to that then just drop me a line or something).

1. MR. MUCHO DINERO. mr mucho dinero bleeds, smells, and reeks of cash–no, not the kind that jingles but the kind that can actually be folded.  he has no problem with resources for as long as he will be able to spend a few precious moments with you.  he can treat you out to the most expensive restaurant in town, drive you around in the most expensive car in town, and give you a valentine gift that can very well qualify as a dowry.  when you are out with mr. mucho dinero, you can almost feel as if you’re going out with the son of the sultan of brunei. mr. mucho dinero is not afraid to spend, spend, spend–impulsively at that.  hey, he might even be the one to buy you your valentine getup.  no how’s that?

2. MR. KURIPOTITIS.  Oh man, oh man.  it’s amazing that he even considered to ask you out on a date knowing that he is in perpetual belief that his wallet has cancer and that a single peso is worth a million bucks.  You’d be lucky if mr. kuripotitis spends for your pedicab trip to the place where he plans to take you out on a date.  on ordinary cases, mr. kuripotitis will insist that the two of you use your legs and walk towards wherever you plan to eat and spend valentines at.   don’t expect a lavish and extravagant v-day.  hell, you might not even get the works.  here’s what mr. kuripotitis might give you: a santan he just broke off on his way to your classroom, three pieces of maxx candy in red (candy still has ample sugar content but costs way cheaper than a bar of tobleron i.e 3pcs candy=Php2.00 while tobleron=<or> Php 37.50), a recycled valentine card which he stole from his dormmate.  if he takes you out to eat tempura at bosing’s, he just might ask you to pay for half of the total cost.  if you don’t want to starve to death on your date, make sure you eat dinner first before going out with mr. kuripotitis.

3. MR. NO TENGO DINERO.  slightly the same as mr. kuripotitis except that as his name suggests literally, he really doesn’t have the resources to begin with.  in his lack of anything to spend, the only thing he can give you is a valentine greeting and probably he will offer to stroll around the campus with you on foot.  that way, you don’t have to spend anything but time.

4. MR. TORPE. it’s a great, great, great, achievement if you manage to get mr. torpe to ask you out.  if he asks you our up front, he might do it in a voice as faint as a whisper.  his eyes would be wandering all over the place and he would be bending a piece of metal behind his back to release pressure and tense feelings.  don’t expect a quality conversation with mr. torpe.  he will be too shy to even utter a word.  somehow, his vocabulary for the first few hours of your date may be limited to monosyllabic words and you will be given the burden of having to think of all sorts of things to keep the conversation going.  expect then, to dominate the conversation as mr. torpe will be exceptionally silent most of the time and too conscious of his gestures and movements. 

5. MR. CONFIANZA.  confianza.  confidence.  too much confidence.  beware.  he thinks he is God’s gift to women and therefore since he asked you out, he believes and is fully convinced that you must be the luckiest damn girl in the world.  he will suffocate you with the hot air he emits (and destroy the environment by contributing to the greenhouse effect in addition).  he will dazzle you and bore you to death with his achievements.  he will not stop talking about his favorite topic: himself. so in case you decide to go out with him, bring a good book to read (or bash him on the head).  you’ll need it.  badly.

6. MR. BRAINIAC.  prepare for mental overload.  going out with the nerd, with mr. brainiac will leave you speechless if you are not a nerd like him simply because you will never be able to follow his line of thinking or understand all the fancy polysyllabic latin words in his jargon–in geek speak.  you will have the theory of existentialism as you appetizer, the theory of relativity as your first course, the quantum theory as your second course, and newton’s law of motion for desert.  by the time your date is over, your iq will have shot up by 50 points.

so far, these are the the kinds of dates that i have spotted out.  i will be adding more in due time so please, please, be patient.

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